My Beautiful boy. Oscar. ❤️
Oscar passed away in September 2020 at 7 years old. Oscar had a very rare neurological Degenerative disorder called 'Batten Disease'. With this disease, there are many types, and Oscar had the type that's called CLN7. We were told from the moment of diagnoses that Oscars Life expectancy was 6-12 Years. We were told that there is no cure, and no treatment. There was no way to fight this.
The thing about Oscar is. He didn't care. He fought every day. Despite dealing with Seizures every day, loosing his sight, loosing his ability walk and eat orally. He never took a smile off his face, and his laugh got louder each day. He was quite literally a real life superhero. Every person who met Oscar, become a better person. He taught us all to always have hope and happiness.
Loosing Oscar was THE hardest thing I will ever go through. He wasn't just my little boy. He was my best friend. I Had Oscar when I was just 17 years old. He Made me the person I am today. He gave me the title mummy, my most favourite name. After I lost my baby boy, life for me become very dark. Knowing your going to have to say goodbye to your little boy didn't make it hurt any less or made anything any easier to cope with.
My First Year without Oscar was numbing. I fought so hard to make Oscar proud of me, that I ignored my feelings of grief as much I could because it simply hurt too much. This Unfortunately Led to me entering a very dark space which led to me being hospitalised. This changed my life.
Shortly after this period of time, I knew I had to look after myself, my mental health and my well being. Not because I wanted to at that time, but because I knew Oscar was watching. He didn't want his mummy sad anymore.
When talking about grief, There isn't enough space on paper, or words in the dictionary to describe it. The grief from loosing a child is unthinkable to most, and unfortunately its my reality day to day. I was trying so much to help me cope with grief but nothing helped.. until.. One Day I Picked up my paint brush and just FELT everything. I started to realise that I could escape into a painting away from the real word for a little while. It allowed my mind to be quiet for a moment. While also knowing Oscar would be proud.
My decision to Start my journey as an artist began when I started posting my paintings on my social media. So many wonderful people gave me the confidence that something I adored doing, that helped me with my grief actually was very beautiful and spoke to them too.
Being a full time artist is a dream of mine im pushing towards, In hope that Oscar can look down each day and see the strength he taught me. To see his mummy doing her best and making the world a little more of a beautiful place with each piece of artwork. To continue creating art that helps others.
For you Oscar - mummy xxx
1 comment
Thank you Carrie for being so brave to write this out and take us on your journey. Your work is beautiful and it’s almost like those who look upon it can feel Oscar’s smile through each brushstroke. Your grief print with the two different seasons on the same tree really speaks to me – as a fellow battens mum (CLN2). It also gives me inspiration to do something with my heartache and art. Thank you for bravely and beautifully sharing your heart and art with us all. All my love